Psychologist John Bowlby was the first attachment theorist, describing attachment as a ?lasting psychological connectedness between human beings?. Bowlby believed that the earliest bonds formed by children with their caregivers have a tremendous impact which continues throughout life. Attachment bond theory states that the relationship between infant and primary caregiver is responsible for:
? shaping all of our future relationships
? strengthening or damaging our abilities to focus, be conscious of our feelings, and calm ourselves
? the ability to bounce back from misfortune
Attachment theory suggests that the emotional bond which develops between a child and its primary carer creates the foundation for all future relationships. This bond occurs predominantly through non-verbal communication, as babies cannot speak but still manage to let you know what they need. An attuned caregiver will read these non-verbal cues and respond accordingly with love, forgiveness, comfort, etc., providing the appropriate emotional response for the situation. When this happens a secure attachment is formed. This is not to say that parents need to be 100% tuned into their babies? emotional needs but they do need to be available and present for them, and consistent in their responses. If this happens, children grow up to be healthy, functioning adults who can manage stress, resolve conflict, be intimate with their partners, feel safe in the world and in general trust that life is okay.
A caregiver who is not as attuned may not provide the same level of emotional response and as a result, an insecure attachment could be formed. One reason for this could be the caregiver?s capacity for emotional response. For example, if they are experiencing mental health issues like post natal depression or are struggling with addictions, these issues can make it difficult for caregivers to bond with their babies; they may not even feel connected to themselves.
A host of other issues can also impact on a parent/caregiver?s ability to provide adequate support and secure attachment. These may include the age and experience of the person doing the parenting, inconsistency or separation from primary caregiver, or a regularly changing environment. Babies who experience trauma and abuse are also less likely to bond securely.
The premise of attachment theory in adults is that if people can understand the type of attachment created with their primary caregivers, this can shed light on certain adult behaviours in the couple relationship.
Take a moment to think about the bond that developed between you and your primry caregiver. This may not be a biological parent; it doesn?t matter because secure attachments can be developed between any infant and any adult who responds appropriately to their emotional needs.
When you read the different types of attachment styles listed above, do any resonate with you?
Do you see your primary caregiver?s parental style?
Does this point to any corresponding adult characteristics for you?
Attachment theory is sometimes used in an attempt to understand how we function in adult relationships and why we have knee-jerk reactions to certain experiences. The Evergreen Consultants, pioneers in attachment disorders and treatments, state:
?There is a strong correlation between insecure adult attachment
and marital dissatisfaction, and negative marital interactions. If an adult does not feel safe with others, he/she will tend to be either rejecting of their partner or overly clingy?.
Licensed marriage and family therapist Jay Slupesky explains this further in his blog, East Bay Couples, by giving examples:
?Securely attached people feel good about themselves, are self-confident, and know that they are worthy of another?s love. They are confident and know that their mate will be there when needed. An anxiously attached person fears that they are losing connection with their partner and responds by aggressively trying to restore the connection, perhaps by clinging, arguing, or provoking the other to anger hoping for a validating response. An avoidantly attached person responds to a loss of connection by withdrawing and trying to suppress their attachment needs. They tell themselves that they don?t really need the other person; they are an island.?
Can you see any of these adult characteristics as your own?
Think about how secure you feel in your relationship.
Can you set boundaries, or are you overly clingy and anxious?
Do you normally bounce back from misfortune reasonably quickly?
Are you conscious of what you are feeling and why you are feeling the way you do?
Do you have the ability to self-soothe?
What were the factors which contributed to you developing your attachment bond with your primary caregiver?
What is the most obvious effect of this that you can see in your intimate relationships?
If you feel that your relationships are being affected by an insecure attachment style, what do you think was missing from the relationship between you and your primary caregiver?
If you could give those things to yourself now, how would you go about doing that? What resources/support might you need?
What would need to happen for you to feel that you have healed any past painful experiences?
If these issues were no longer a problem for you, what difference would it make?
How can you share what you have learned about yourself with your partner, friends and family?
The tendency to unconsciously attract relationships that re-enact past conflicts and beliefs is called ?repetition compulsion.? This drive to repeat familiar patterns, no matter how painful or self-defeating, is very powerful. For example, adult children of alcoholics frequently marry alcoholics, and an abused child with a high tolerance for maltreatment may grow up and attract high levels of stress and conflict in his/her marriage. We unconsciously are attracted to people who allow us to revisit our childhood issues in an attempt to get it right.
It is possible to overcome past attachment issues. Your current relationship can even be one of the keys to helping you gain insight about healthy love and attachment. Relationships in which the parties are tuned in to each other?s emotions are called attuned relationships, and attuned relationships teach us that:
? non-verbal cues deeply impact our love relationships
? play helps us smooth over the rough spots in love relationships
? conflicts can build trust if we approach them without fear or a need to punish.
Awareness is the first step, how attuned are you?
Excerpt reprinted form ?Personal Baggage ? Lighten Your Load and Improve Your Relationships? by Tammie Day, pg 21 ? 27.
Source: http://www.thecouplerelationship.com/web/?p=1718
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